


Happy Birthday, Miranda

by grrriliketigers



Category: The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 06:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grrriliketigers/pseuds/grrriliketigers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean-Paul Sartre once said that hell is other people. Miranda's hell is ugly clothes. And Andy decides to drag Miranda through hell when she works straight through her birthday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Birthday, Miranda

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted July 2009 at dvlwears_prada@livejournal.com

Miranda walked through the door of the townhouse and put her things into the closet. She saw the light on in the study and looked at the time. "Andrea? Are you still up?"

The light went out and Miranda furrowed her brow. 

Andrea appeared in the doorway with a piece of cake on a plate. She pushed it into Miranda's hands. Before Miranda could protest or question, Andy said, "happy birthday, Miranda."

Miranda raised an eyebrow, "it's not my birthday." 

"I know." Andy scowled, "it's mine."

"Oh no..." Miranda bit her lip. "Andrea, your birthday... I forgot it."

"The twins baked me a cake and sang me a rousing chorus of 'you look like a monkey and you smell like one too,' it was touching, too bad you missed it." Andy shrugged, "actually, it wasn't really your sort of evening." 

"Andrea, wait."

"The cake is sugar free." Andy retreated up the stairs. 

"Damnit." Miranda cursed under her breath, she hurried after Andy. Miranda closed the door to their bedroom once they were both inside. "Andrea, I am so sorry. Words cannot express..."

"Miranda, stop it. Okay?" Andy pulled away from her, "you messed up. Just let me be mad for a while."

Miranda frowned, "no, I don't accept that. I love you and I want a chance to prove to you how sorry I am and how much I love you. I will do anything you say can fix this."

Andy paused in thought, "anything?"

" _Anything_." Miranda reiterated.

"Fine. Take me to the mall tomorrow."

Miranda looked skeptical but nodded anyway, "okay."

"And you can't say a word about the clothes: good _or_ bad."

This stipulation seemed to physically pain her but Andy was not sympathetic. She said, "okay."

"And you're going to buy something at any store of my choosing." 

Miranda steeled her jaw, not trusting herself to speak, she nodded.

"And _you're_ going to wear it." 

Miranda's jaw dropped open. Andy bit her lip on a smirk, that was exactly the reaction she had been hoping for. Miranda took in a few shallow breaths before answering in a low voice. "Fine. Yes."

This time before she spoke Andy's lips curled into a menacing grin. It worried Miranda greatly. "To work."

"Have mercy!" Miranda gasped.

"Fine, whatever." Andy exclaimed with exasperation. "You said anything, but clearly you didn't mean it. I'll have another birthday in 364 days, try to remember to attend next year, will you?" 

"Alright, alright!" Miranda reached out and grabbed Andy's arm, "yes, Andrea. I will wear it to work. I am your mannequin, dress me as you will. I love you and I said anything, I meant _anything_." 

"Really? You'll do it?"

" _Yes._ "

"Alright," Andy didn't even bother trying to conceal her wicked smile, "we'll leave at 10 tomorrow."

Sunday was Miranda's day off and she didn't bother to set her alarm. She was jolted awake by her girls throwing themselves onto the bed. "Dear lord!" 

The girls laughed, "morning mom."

"What's the meaning of this, babies?" Miranda clutched her heart as she stared at her bouncy teenagers.

"Andy wanted us to startle you awake." Cassidy admitted.

"Yeah, she's still pretty pissed at you." Caroline nodded.

Miranda smacked the girls in the head with her pillow, this made them laugh harder and jump up off the bed, yelling "mercy, mercy!"

"Whose side are you on?" 

"Our own. Andy drives us crazy when she's mad."

"And I don't?"

"You _ignore_ us when you're mad. She seeks us out and makes us listen to her. So, please, make it up to her before she rockets off the boring charts." 

"Get out of here, you little ingrates." Miranda called playfully as they slipped out of the room, closing the door behind them. 

Miranda entered the kitchen a few minutes later, dressed in a pair of Alexander McQueen jeans and a simple Marc Jacobs blouse. She had her large framed Prada sunglasses in hand and a scarf tied under chin to hide most of her signature silver hair.

Miranda reached for the coffee pot but was prevented by Andy's sharp, "uh uh!" Startled, she jumped back. "Can't I have coffee?"

"We'll Starbucks on the way, come on." Andy nodded towards the door. "Roy's waiting outside." 

"It's only 9:20, you told me 10." Miranda protested. 

"Sweetheart, I'm making the rules." Andy shook her head, "you don't have any say in this. None at all, baby."

"Fine," she motioned towards the door, "after you."

Once they had settled into the car Andy held out her hand. "Give me the scarf. I know what you're doing."

Miranda sighed and took the scarf off and handed it to her angry young lover. Miranda turned to look out the window and stared longingly at all the Starbucks stores they passed. "Andrea, you said we could get coffee?"

"Oh, of course, Miranda." Andy smiled and put a hand on her leg, "I'm mad but I'm not cruel. Roy, pull in over here, we'll do the drive-through."

"Andrea, that's..." Miranda swallowed hard, "a Du-dunkin Donuts..."

Andy picked up Miranda's purse and dug around for her wallet. She pulled it out and handed the silver credit card to Roy, "get Miranda a small black coffee, get me a Strawberry Coolata with whipped cream and a powdered donut. And get yourself a cruller." 

"Yes, Ms. Sachs."

Miranda sat back with a silent sigh and bit her lip. 

"Give me the sunglasses, too, Miranda." Andy held her hand out, "you're trying to avoid being recognized."

"People are going to recognize me anyway, have mercy and let me have my sunglasses?" Miranda actually looked pained. 

" _Mercy_?" Andy demanded incredulously.

"Okay, okay." Miranda pushed them dejectedly into Andy's hand, "just please don't make that face."

Roy handed the order back to the women and handed the card back to Andy. "Thanks for the cruller, Ms. Priestly." 

"You're welcome, Roy." Miranda said with a slight purse of the lips. She lifted the coffee to her lips and took a tentative sip. 

Andy pulled the straw out of her coolata and put a glob of whipped cream into her mouth, "how's the coffee, Miranda?"

"Great..." Miranda attempted to grin through her disgust, taking another sip. "How's your whatever that is?" 

"It's delicious." Andy took another mouthful of whipped cream. "Remember that time you licked whipped cream off me?"

Roy's eyebrows went up under his chauffeur's cap as he attempted to concentrate on the road. Life as the Priestly chauffeur had certainly been a lot more interesting since Miranda started dating Andy. Especially considering that their first kiss had been in that very towncar. 

Miranda sipped her awful coffee again and nodded, "yes, I do." 

"Because I'm not sure if I'm ever going to let you do that again." Andy took another big mouthful of whipped cream, "too bad, too. That was a lot of fun." 

"Mm." Miranda agreed. 

Roy pulled up to the main entrance of the mall and Andy and Miranda piled out. "What time should I be back to pick you up?"

"Ms. Priestly and I are going to take the subway home, so you can take the day off." Andy smiled, "have a good day."

"The subway?" Miranda raised her eyebrows at Andy. 

"You're officially disallowed from talking, starting now." Andy took Miranda's hand. "Let's start at Sears." 

Miranda bit the inside of her cheek and had the sinking feeling that by the end of the day she would have bitten her cheek raw. It was indeed going to be a long day. 

Miranda watched helplessly as Andy pawed through god awful dresses, holding up the particularly awful ones and contemplating how Miranda would look in them. Miranda was going to have polyester nightmares for the rest of her life, she was sure. 

Sears had been a bust. Andy decided that they should go to a store with infinitely worse apparel. Dragging Miranda through American Eagle, Aéropostale, Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister had yielded no better. They were too close to designer, they were teen-designer, middle-class labels. 

Wet Seal and Charlotte Russe were a little closer but they, like the aforementioned labels, were a little too nice. They weren't that ugly. 

On a side-trip into Claire's, Andy got Miranda a long string of plastic pearls and a plastic flower earing six pack. 

Andy instructed Miranda to sit on the bench with her Claire's bag clearly visible and wait for her to return. Miranda nodded once and obliged. Andy popped into a Starbucks and ordered a coffee. She returned to Miranda's bench and held it out.

Miranda looked at it hopefully and looked up at Andy with skepticism.

Andy held it a little closer. "I'm very impressed that you haven't said a word even though we've been here for nearly three hours. So, I decided to cut you a little slack and give you your Starbucks coffee."

Miranda took it and took a huge gulp and looked relieved. She closed her eyes and let a small smile twitch the corners of her lips. She took a sip and looked at her lover and mouthed _thank you_.

"You're welcome." Andy ran her fingers along Miranda's chin. This action gave Miranda hope, hope that this wasn't a sick joke perpetrated before she broke up with her. There was real, genuine affection and she was comforted. 

"You looked like you were about to die a little inside so..." Andy shrugged and then made eye contact with Miranda. She held it for a few long moments and nodded, "I love you too." 

Miranda smiled.

"Drink up," Andy encouraged, "we've still got a lot of shopping to do. We need a top, a bottom, underwear and shoes."

Miranda rolled her eyes when she was sure that Andy wasn't looking. _The things one does for love..._ she thought with some level of despair. She couldn't pretend that she hadn't expected to have to put up with something somewhat akin to this when she started dating someone so much younger than she. This feeling of entitlement and resentment was a generational thing.

Frederick's of Hollywood yielded the most horrible bra Miranda had ever had the misfortune to touch. It was something called an Exxtreme Cleavage bra, extra x included, and it was zebra striped.

Miranda seriously considered throwing up but she wanted to savour the Starbucks.

Miranda attempted to dig her heels into the linoleum when Andy turned her eyes towards Hot Topic. She wanted to scream and maybe she would have if Andy had not decided against it at the last minute.

Andy realized that dressing Miranda in mall clothes, like a (blind) teenager or a goth, was not the answer. Mall clothes were completely the wrong demographic. Dressing Miranda like a teenager was the wrong idea and dressing Miranda like an old lady, via Lady Grace, was also the wrong idea.

What Andy really needed to find were clothes that were for middle aged women that did not try to emulate designer. Clothes that were, pure and simply and honestly, _horrible_.

She needed Walmart.

First, though, she needed a stop at Spencer's Gifts for rainbow toe socks. Revenge was truly sweet. The look on her face was nearly all the revenge she needed. Not quite enough, though.

"Alright," Andy announced once Miranda was holding the Spencer's bag, "time to leave the mall. We have to go somewhere else."

Andy led them through the streets of New York City and Miranda realized that she really had no idea where anything was. She hadn't driven a car in nearly 20 years and she would have no idea how to get anywhere in the city. It was very unnerving to have no idea where she was other than a vague general idea.

Andy stopped in front of Walmart. Miranda closed her eyes and actually prayed that when she opened them they'd be standing in front of an Anne Klein or a Donna Karan. 

Andy took her hand and pulled her forward. "You said anything."

Miranda nodded, took a deep breath and followed her. _I love my girlfriend... I love my girlfriend... I love my girlfriend..._ the mantra reverberated through her head.

"I know I said the mall and the deal didn't stipulate Walmart, but you did say anything." Andy said as she led her to the women's department. "You still can't speak, okay?"

Miranda nodded, trying her hardest to hide the contempt she felt for the establishment she was standing in. Miranda had managed to avoid entering a Walmart for all the 55 years she'd been alive. Yet another first that Andrea exposed her to. This first was significantly less fun (read: sexual) than the other firsts.

Her punishment came in the form of Women's Belted Bermuda Cargo Shorts they were part cotton, part spandex and they cost $14. The last time Miranda had bought clothing for that little money she had still been in England and poor. The wretched shorts came complete with six pockets.

_I love my girlfriend... I love my girlfriend... I love my girlfriend..._

"And now for a top!" Andy grinned vindictively. Miranda flashed her a completely unfelt, partially sarcastic smile. Andy scoffed but laughed. 

Miranda hoped that she'd get mugged on the subway and all of the purchases would be stolen. With her luck the thug would probably consider the items too hideous and leave her with them. 

The shirt was a white sleeveless blouse with a big bow at the top and, good heavens, the vile thing was on clearance.

Andy led Miranda to the shoe department and sat her down. "No peeking." Miranda wished that not looking was actually an option. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Andy shuffling through boxes. 

If there was a God, she'd be struck dead before Andrea could present her with... Miranda's jaw dropped. _No, no, no..._

"Pink gladiator sandals," Andy didn't even bother to stifle her laughter, "try them on." 

Just when Miranda thought she was home free Andy grabbed a pair of cheap plastic tortoise shell sunglasses. Miranda handed over her credit card and wondered if the credit card company would think that the purchases were fraudulent. 

Once Andy had Miranda sitting securely on the subway she patted her knee and said, "you can talk now."

"You don't want to talk right now." Miranda shook her head.

"Is that a complaint?"

"It is an observation." Miranda crossed her legs, kicking the bags at her feet discreetly.

Andy patted her knee again, "well, all the shopping is over. That's nice, right?" Miranda sighed. "Now all you have to do is wear your clothes to work tomorrow." 

Miranda nodded and looked down at her lap. Andy worried that she had broken Miranda's spirit with the horrible clothes and Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Once they returned home Miranda went upstairs, took a bath and climbed into bed.

"Wow, Andy, did you send her to bed without supper?" Cassidy raised her eyebrows at the brunette. 

"I think I killed her inside with Walmart..." Andy admitted.

Caroline and Cassidy gasped and jumped back, grabbing at each other for safety and comfort, "you did _not_ take her to Walmart!"

"And I made her ride the subway back..." Andy said guiltily, her brow furrowed in apology.

"Oh hell yeah, she's dead on the inside." Caroline scoffed.

"Look, she said anything. She could have stopped me at anytime!" Andy protested. 

"That was so cold, Andy." Cassidy shook her head as the twins retreated upstairs.

"You're not going to eat dinner either?" Andy watched their doors closed. "Girls? ...oh come on! No one's going to eat with me?" 

In the morning when Andy's alarm clock went off and she reached over for Miranda to find her side of the bed empty. Miranda used to get up hours earlier than Andy but once Andy was promoted her waking time shifted dramatically. 

Andy rubbed her eyes and looked around. When her eyes adjusted and her vision focused she saw Miranda moving in the en suite bathroom. "Miranda?" She rubbed her eyes, "why are you awake? Is something wrong?" She picked up the clock to check the time. No, she got up at the right time.

Miranda stepped out of the bathroom. She was holding her arms out away from her body like a child in a hated sailor suit. 

"Oh Miranda..." 

"We're even after this? You promise? No unexpected trips to Kmart?" 

"Miranda, take these clothes off." Andy shook her head, "I didn't mean for it to go this far." 

"What are you talking about?" Miranda quirked an eyebrow.

"I didn't think you'd last, I thought you'd crack and we'd have a big laugh about it."

"You thought I'd crack?"

"I didn't think you'd make it past Dunkin Donuts. I started to worry I was poor-poisoning you." Andy sighed, "you could have stopped it at any time, Miranda."

"Andrea, I told you I would do anything to make it up to you and you didn't think I meant it? I don't know which is more hurtful: the fact that you dragged me through places that I despise to make a point or the fact that you thought I was too weak to withstand it, that I wouldn't keep my word about making it up to you." 

Andy was speechless as Miranda started stripping out of the clothes and throwing them to the floor. 

"Miranda, please, I'll do anything to make this up to you."

"Oh no, we're not going through this again." Miranda shook her head, "I'm going to take your original advice. Just let me be mad for a while."

Andy sighed as she watched Miranda pull out her real clothes and start to get dressed. "Miranda, you forgot the rainbow socks." 

"I like the rainbow socks." She muttered as she threw the bathroom door closed behind her. 

Andy couldn't help but smile.

**Author's Note:**

> I know there are no walmarts in NYC, I didn't know it when I wrote it and I'm just calling it creative license.


End file.
